Making Yourself Obsolete is the Hardest Job

The really bad thing about being a parent is that you really need to understand from the beginning is that your job is to work yourself out of a job.  

That precious tiny infant, who once depended on you for life itself, simply must be taught to survive on his or her own, or you have honestly failed as a parent.  I’m not aware of any parenting book that actually tells you this fact, but it is so, and it's never too late to give this some thought and make some changes to learn to live with it.

From the time those little fingers let go of yours, or the coffee table, or whatever, your offspring is saying, "Hey, I've got this!"  All you have to do is believe them and kiss the boo boos as they happen and let them try again.

It doesn’t happen all at once, but always on their own terms and sometimes your child will need to be your child once again.  He or she will come to you for a little “mothering,” or maybe they won't, but it's up to them, not you at this point.  What they need might be joining the family for vacation, or a home cooked meal, or bringing laundry over because you have better smelling detergent than the facilities at the apartment building.  Whatever it is, the best advice I can give from the point of view of daughter and mother and grandmother, is to accept whatever it is for what it is without complaint and rejoice in the moment!

 In today’s society, where more and more offspring are establishing careers and having relationships that are serious enough to be complicated, but aren’t exactly marriage, sometimes this is even more important.  There may be several of these relationships in your adult child’s lifetime.  You might be more in love with some of these partners than he or she is.  You might justifiably or unjustifiably disapprove of some of the relationships, but that’s not your job anymore unless asked.  And, if asked, it’s your job to find out what kind of an answer your dear one is looking for,and offer that and no more.

You know that line in the wedding vows “forsaking all others” kinda means you too Mama and Daddy.  Your daughter or son who has chosen his life partner is actually choosing someone else to do most of your job. If you’re lucky and both of you are generous, you will all support each other on an “as needed” basis for the rest of your lives.  In an ideal world, that’s how it works, but we don’t live in an ideal world, do we?

That doesn’t mean that you have to cut all ties to your offspring as they develop more and more independence, not at all.  The happiest families I know of are the ones where the parents are there, on call, in the background enjoying their lives free from day- to-day responsibilities and cares of child rearing, because…wait for it…their children are no longer children anymore!

When I was a young mom overloaded with four children, one with special needs, trips back home where someone set the table and made my favorite dishes for dinner, put my kids to bed with the stash of Golden Books she kept for just such occasions, and let me have a blessed night of uninterrupted sleep in my own bed in my old room, were precious.  Mama gave me what I needed, when I needed it, when I could accept it.

In later years, I was fighting brush fires on all fronts, many of which Mama couldn’t help with, and I rejected her help in some rather harsh ways, which I now regret, I know I hurt my mother terribly, mostly while trying to protect her from my problems.  There was never a total rift in our relationship, but a sort of bewilderment on both our parts of who are we now and what are we supposed to do.

 
You are still who you’ve always been.  You’re the mother who loves her child, whatever the child’s age or needs, and if you’ve done it right, you’ll both know it’s okay to offer each other help when needed.  But remember the title of this piece...Your job is to make yourself obsolete!  That's not a bad thing.  That's a job well done.  So now rest a bit, find some new things to do with your time, help when you're asked, volunteer to help if you're not asked, but don't get in a huff if your help isn't needed, it only means you've done a really good job!