Have you Ever Felt Like an Outsider?

“Have you ever felt like an Outsider?”

Some of you who follow me on Facebook know that Walker is taking a class at the University of Memphis called Language Learning Lab.  Discovering this class, taught by his very first speech therapist, Darleen Winters, along with eight graduate assistants, has been one of the most significant turning points in Walker’s adult life.  Initially, it was simply a chance to reconnect with some old friends and classmates, and rediscover the love of learning that had seemed to end with him graduating from all programs offered to those with cognitive disabilities when he was twenty-one. 

In the intervening years, a LOT of things changed, and now there are many opportunities for adults to experience lifetime learning.  One of my regrets is that Walker did not have the opportunity to continue his education without interruption, but maybe those latent years were good for him too, because now, he is sopping up information like a dry sponge.  He LOVES going to school, and his more mature and experienced mind sees things in a different way.

The LLL class is centered on reading a book each semester and discussing and writing and making presentations about what they have read and learned.  In the process, the students have learned to use “google”, “power point”, and many other modern day technologies.  The graduate students are their “editors” and work with them in small groups.  This year’s book is The Outsiders by   S. E. Hinton, a book with some mature themes, which some of the parents have had their doubts about.  Since I’ve never sheltered my kids from the world, and I trust Ms. Darlene’s judgment, I didn’t get all worked up about her choice of this book, but just waited and watched to see how it all worked out.

Last week, I discovered how wise a choice this book truly was.  Just days after the bombing of the Synagogue in Pittsburgh, Walker and his friend Matthew were scheduled to interview Memphis’ most prominent Rabbi, Micah Greenstein as part of their classwork.  Walker has crossed paths with Rabbi Greenstein through the years when he has spoken at our Episcopal churches, and Matthew is Jewish and knew him, although he did not attend his Synagogue.   Both were extremely excited about going together on the interview.   

Walker and Matthew have a budding friendship which began when I invited Matthew to join Special Friends Fellowship Club at an Alumni dance for Walker’s old school.  “But I’m Jewish!”  he said.  I told him it didn’t matter that we were happy to have him if he wanted to come and make new friends.  It turned out he did, and the Special Friends, many who knew him from school, welcomed him.  It turned out that Matthew really, really wanted to be “best” friends with Walker. Gradually their friendship has grown as Matthew has learned that Walker can be a good friend, if not necessarily his “best friend”, and they have bonded.  I’ve been proud of Walker including Matthew in his group of friends.

The night before the interview, I glanced over the interview questions…I wasn’t sure who had composed them, but they were good questions, and I knew the guys would have a good conversation with the Rabbi, and didn’t think much more about it until after it was all over and I got a note from Rabbi Greenstein with some very complimentary remarks, which I passed on to Darlene.  “It really was profound,” she said.  “I had told Walker that the question, ‘Have you ever felt like an outsider?’ was the most important part, and he really took it seriously.  Micah was really affected by it.  It was a special moment.”

Just a few days before this interview I had attended a memorial ceremony at our local Jewish Community Center after seeing an invitation on Facebook for those of all faiths to join in remembering those lost about an hour before it began.  I couldn't find anyone to go with me, but I felt strongly that it was important for other faiths to be represented to I rushed our dinner and told big Walker I was going and headed out by myself, something I rarely do.  I found my way into the gathering, sat down by a lovely couple and introduced myself.  They seemed a little puzzled by my presence, and asked me why I was there.  I fumbled for words, and finally said that I felt that an attack on any religion was an attack on all religions.  They thanked me for coming.  Before the service was over so many people had thanked me for attending that I was overcome.  Rabbi Micah was one of the main speakers, and he asked all those of other faiths to stand, and when we did we were warmly applauded, and those around me reached out to touch me or shake my hand.  As I left many others did the same, and in one very moving moment a sweet woman teared up and hugged me and said "You have no idea."  I probably don't, but I'm beginning to.

Can you imagine how it must have felt for a Jewish rabbi, one of the most persecuted religions in the history of the world, to be interviewed by two young men with developmental disabilities, who face discrimination that they aren’t often even aware of, just days after the bombing at Pittsburgh?  It chokes me up to even think about it.

When people wonder about why I am a liberal thinker, and campaign against discrimination of all kinds…this is why.  When they wonder why I cannot abide those who publicly espouse hate of “the other”…any “other”…this is why.  One God made us all just the way we were meant to be.  He made us in all colors, of all faiths, ethnicities, genders, including mixed up genders and non-genders, and He loved us all and called us to love all those others, even the Outsiders, just as much as we love ourselves and the ones who look just like us.  

 Sometimes I feel like an Outsider just for thinking this way, and it makes me sad.  I’m working on loving those who don’t think like I do, because I don’t want them to feel unloved either.  That’s kind of hard, but I’m working on it.  What about you?

Blessings, Janie

A Very Special Christmas Eve

A very special Christmas Eve. For those of you who have asked, I do still write "Walker Stories", but don't post many anymore. I'm hoping to maybe publish some in the near future. Here's one of the oldies that some of you probably haven't seen.

Walker spends a great deal of time in his room or playroom with his assortment of stuff, and as I have come to realize in recent years, sometimes plans surprises for us all.

After Molly and Robert were married some of our traditional holiday customs had to be adjusted to accommodate the young couple’s desires to share the holidays with both of their families. It was agreed that our main Christmas meal would be on Christmas Eve, and I decided to invite Robert’s parents to join us. It was an opportunity for a new tradition, and we were all looking forward to it, but I was a little nervous about expanding our family to include the Gooches. Walker, however, was thrilled. He had enjoyed Robert’s parents, and especially his brother, Perry, during the wedding festivities, and the idea of having them with us made it like a party.

As I was making last minute preparations for the dinner, Walker came into the kitchen and asked me if he could say the blessing. This was a privilege he usually declines, probably because he is a little apprehensive about forgetting the words to the memorized blessings that his sisters have used through the years, so I was surprised, but readily gave him permission. I set up the buffet and everyone gathered in the dining room. As we bowed our heads, Walker began cleared his throat nervously and began to recite,...”T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds....”

I panicked, caught between being impressed with the time and effort it must have taken him to memorize the long poem and being uncomfortable with all of us standing there with our heads bowed in prayer as he recited it. The girls were stifling giggles, but Molly’s new in-laws acted as if this sort of blessing were the most natural thing in the world on Christmas Eve. Walker continued, “On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet and Blixen...”

Finally, he began to stumble over the words to a difficult portion of the poem, and I suggested to him that maybe we should go ahead and eat our dinner before the food got cold. I assured him that he could finish the poem after dinner. He shrugged his agreement and we proceeded with the meal.

When dinner was done, Walker asked to be excused while we ate dessert. A few minutes later, I heard him clear his throat, and looked up and saw him sitting on the stairs with his “Night Before Christmas “ book. As we enjoyed the last of the wine with our dessert, Walker read the poem to us.

I don’t know whether using “The Night Before Christmas” will ever catch on as a blessing, but Walker’s well rehearsed version was a blessing to all of us that Christmas Eve.

The Year in Review 2016

The kind folks at Facebook suggested I repost something I wrote last year titled The Christmas Letter, and I re-read it, and it did remind me of the value of looking back over the past year and recording it in a somewhat more permanent way than my Facebook posts.  In that post I commented about not enclosing a summary of our family activities with our Christmas card anymore, and I guess I probably assume that most of the people who care about us stay in touch through Facebook, but that’s not really true.  And, that lovely Christmas album is still sitting in the armoire awaiting my getting “a round tuit” and filling it with the history of our family Christmases…so here’s this year’s update.

The Christmas Letter 2016

For some reason 2016 seems to have flown by faster than ever.  No major surgeries for anyone, although both Walker and I have had some really annoying lingering coughs which reminded us that we don’t throw things off quite so easily at our age.  Otherwise, we’re all pretty happy and healthy. 

Our most significant adventure was our trip to Israel.  Ten days of “forced marching” in the Holy Land is an amazing experience.  Highlights were staying in a guest house above first century “cave homes” where Jesus probably played and visited, and possibly lived, visiting the Al Aqsa Mosque—only the second group of Christians allowed inside (after being draped in appropriate garb), and a day at Masada on our own.

Most of the grandkids are tweens or teens, except for Beau and Emmett who remind us of the pleasures of having little ones around when they visit.  Emmett adores being with his cousins, and manages to keep up with the big guys amazingly well.  Beau is a ray of sunshine punctuated by intermittent thunder storms.  She’s a real chatterbox, sings all the time,  and is the best eater of the bunch.  We have to stock up on avocados and eggs and beans and rice when she visits.  The kids enjoy each other, and we take great joy in seeing them make music together.  They performed and recorded a special song for our 50^th wedding anniversary that brought tears to our eyes under Molly and Katie’s direction.  Sarah and her kids flew in and surprised us for that momentous occasion, making it just perfect!

Walker’s hobby farm yielded about 125 pounds of pecans this year, meaning lots of roasted pecans for gifts and lots for cooking.  The freezer is stuffed.  The most fun was the day in Arkansas at the “Indian Museum” and pecan picking with the whole family over Thanksgiving.  The older kids drove the four wheeler for the first time, and I even picked up my share.  He's had a decent number of quail covey's since the weather got cooler too and loves it when he and the dogs can find them with guests.

The most significant achievement of the year was the founding of Special Friends Fellowship Club, a project of the Diocese of West Tennessee.  It was Janie’s idea, prompted by seeing the work done by other denominations, and a nudge by a voice in the middle of the night asking, “Why aren’t you doing something with your own church?”  A letter to some clergy resulted in the trial run over the summer, and it went so well that the program was extended into the school year.  We have twenty special needs adults on roll, and the whole family has helped out through their churches.  Walker III is thrilled…it’s almost as good as Young Life, and he loves helping with the planning and setting up.  Big Walker is the muscle of the program, turning Janie’s nutty ideas into reality whether it be hanging a mirrored ball from the ceiling or hauling a hay ride around the church property…he’s always agreeable.  We have all been blessed by new friends from the diocese and these wonderful young adults and their sweet faith.

It was a hard year in some ways, some dear friends left us and others are fighting illnesses.  We are not happy with the result of the election, and are anxious for our country, but we have seen a lot of changes through the years, and we’ve weathered them all.  We carry on, knowing we will make it through whatever comes our way in the coming year too.  Seeing our grandchildren and their friends turning into such fine young people gives us such hope for the future, and maintaining friendships through it all is what it’s all about.

Happy New Year and Blessings to all,

Janie

Mixed Up Blessings

Walker age 2 with his Dad

I was reminded yesterday by the ever so helpful folks on Facebook that today is Worldwide Down Syndrome Day, so named because 3/21 symbolizes that folks with DS have three copies of  the 21st chromosome, causing all the things about them that make them unique.

Well, my guy with DS is certainly that, and as I think back over forty years of life with Walker, I am so amazed at where we were then and where we are now.  I've come so far from, "I don't know how to do this, and I really don't want to know how." to...hey, "Look what we've done!" 

 A long time ago, when I first announced to our friends and family that Walker had Down Syndrome, I sent a note along with the birth announcements saying that we at long last had been blessed with a son, but that ours was a mixed blessing.  Eventually, I tweaked that phrase into what will eventually be the title of my "Walker Stories"...."Mixed Up Blessings".  Because that's exactly what Walker has been to us.  He has taught us to celebrate whatever comes along, because almost anything can turn out to be a blessing if you just look hard enough.

So, We'll celebrate this day along with others who have learned the same lesson, and I'll thank all of you who walk this path along with me and love my guy as much as I do.

Blessings,
Janie

Rocking out at Heartsong Church on a lovely gift from a church member

Technology for Sarah for Christmas

Associate of the Year 2015 with Molly and Owen Gooch and Katie Monaghan

God Bless the USA!

Walker and His Girlfriend, Caroline...pure JOY!

Leaning Forward

Walker sat in on his ISP planning session this year, and actually tuned in to see what we were discussing, and surprise, surprise...he had something to say about what he'd like to accomplish.  There is a new format which I don't completely understand, and the state worker didn't exactly explain, but it involved setting goals based on the client's "dreams".  Up till this point, I had kind of assumed Walker's dreams were where he would find the next snow globe for his collection or where he and his PA would eat lunch next week, so I threw out that maybe he'd like to someday take  a trip with some friends.  Much discussion ensued about the steps that would lead up to that happening, but she wrote some things down, and I kind of forgot about it.  Walker did not.

A couple of days later, he came in while I was watching the news and asked me to pause the TV..  "Um...you know how that lady talked about a trip?"  I kind of scratched my head a minute, and then remembered the ISP, and told him I did.  "Well, you know those cruises we see on Wheel of Fortune, the one to Italy?  That's what I'd like to do."

Wow...from not wanting to go anywhere too loud or more than a short drive from home...this was a huge leap.

Walker has been attending a class at the University of Memphis for about a year.  It's basically an enrichment class that's part of the Speech and Hearing Department, and he absolutely loves "going to college."  He has become devoted to his new University, proudly wearing a Memphis Tiger's tee every time he goes to class, preparing carefully for 'presentations' with his 'editor' and learning about things he never really thought about.  I think it's the happiest he's been in years.  He asked to attend a football game this year, something he'd never shown any interest in whatsoever, and yesterday, he asked his dad to take him to a basketball game, something really, really outside his comfort zone because of the noise. "Just not too high up, though," was his only request.  I don't know who was happier, him or his dad, who struggles to find anything in common with Walker, who usually prefers to go to a play or the ballet with me to shooting guns or watching sports with his dad.

I think up until Walker got his cell phone and started expressing himself more publicly on Facebook, I really didn't realize that I had assumed too much in thinking that his job and our family life was enough for him.  The past few years with young college students as his attendants has opened up a whole new world for him, and I realized that I had become a bit lazy.  Just because he disappeared upstairs after dinner every night, I assumed all was well with him. 

For many years, he had watched videos of his choice or sorted through his Polaroid pictures or whatever he wanted to do after dinner in complete solitude, and I thought all was well.  That first iPhone and his brother in law and niece and nephews teaching him how to use Facebook opened up a world to him that he had never imagined.  When his cat disappeared, he posted about it and people offered sympathy, when he was suddenly "graduated" from Young Life, he wrote on and on about that loss (and still does).  I realized that I needed to get busy again and set up his life with more stimulating activities.  It was a little hard in the beginning, but now he has a pretty full schedule most weekends going to dances and special events, and his favorite a Friday morning Breakfast Bible Study at a nearby church.  I don't think he's ever been happier.

I'm glad Walker has found his voice, even if it surprises me sometimes.  Maybe he will someday get to take that cruise to Italy...Heck, he might even win it on Wheel of Fortune....he's an amazing player!

Blessings,
Janie

The Bad Seed and Walker

One of the most difficult jobs in our family is running interference for Walker at work from time to time. If there is a pay problem or schedule problem or a personnel problem, I generally turn it over to his dad and his more laid back nature. A while back, we got a call from Walker's boss that they were going to send him home because he had been rude to a customer, had called her a name. I sent Big Walker to deal with it, because I was afraid I'd get either angry or emotional if they fired him, and this sounded pretty serious. While I stayed home and worried myself sick, Walker handled the whole incident calmly, and they let Little Walker finish the work day after all, much to my relief.

By the time they got home after work, I had calmed down enough to ask the magic questions and figure out what had happened, one thing I'm much better at doing.

Something just didn't add up. Walker gave up curse words many, many years ago after a mouthful of our favorite cursing remedy, a drop of Ivory Liquid on the tongue. About the worst thing he ever called anyone was when he announced that Sister Judy was a pig when he was about five years old. He might get angry, and he had even fired his boss a couple of times when he was unhappy, but cursing just wasn't in his repertoire

Even my son-in-law, John, who has initiated Walker into the kind of guy repartee that he never learned at Catholic School, had never aggravated him enough to get him to curse. He just doesn't do that. Not that he doesn't occasionally hear an expletive from his dad or me, but he knows better than to use one. Or so I thought.

Now he had called a customer a bitch. He had apologized, somewhat under duress, and wasn't going to lose his job, but I couldn't let it rest.

"Walker, could you just tell me exactly what happened today at work," I asked as he sat uncomfortably on the couch, shifting around and avoiding eye-contact.

"Well, this is really embarrassing...." Long pause.

"That's okay. You're not going to get in trouble. I just need to know what happened. Did you call a customer a name?" Another very long pause. He knew I knew.

"Well, yeah, I'm really sorry...I did...but she was really rude to me...I just can't tell you..." Tears welled up in his eyes.

"It's okay. Just tell me what you called her." Tears welled in my eyes too.

"Well...I called her a Bad Seed...She really was...She said she wanted paper instead of plastic, and I didn't hear her, and when I started loading plastic she yelled at me so I called her a Bad Seed. I promise it won't happen again. I know I might lose my job."

Now this made sense in Walkerese...almost. He talks in movie talk a lot, but most of the movies are Disney and at the most PG rated. I was kind of bewildered that he might have seen "The Bad Seed", a movie about a wicked little girl that came out in the '50's and one that I didn't remember from his shelf last time I had cleaned and sorted out. Turns out, there was a reference to the old movie in one of his newer favorites.

The customer, the cashier and his boss had heard what they expected, and probably knew deep down. They heard him call her a bitch, when he really called her a Bad Seed.

After some lecturing about the customer always being right, the matter was put to rest. In my heart, I knew who the Bad Seed was, though. I think Walker's boss did too.

I hope I'm not a Bad Seed too often. I hope people hear what I really mean to say, and not what they think I say.

Blessings,

Janie

 

 

 

Thirty-Nine Forever?

Thirty-Nine Forever?

Walker had a birthday this week…a fact he begins reminding everyone he comes in contact with about a month ahead of time, which is kind of strange, because his material wants are so few, but that’s not really the point for him.  It’s his big day, and it’s anticipated with glee for quite some time.  He had specific ideas about his cake (lemon with a rainbow) and got lots of gift cards, his preferred gift, conserving his cash, and invited his best friend Caroline over for a swim and dinner with the family.  He was a happy man.

This has been quite a year for Walker in terms of growing up.  His speech therapist has been working on improving his communication skills for about ten years now, and it’s still a struggle for him to give simple, straightforward answers to simple questions like, “What kind of ice cream do you want?”  The answer is likely to be clever, but in the form of a riddle…”You know, the kind you bought last May.”  There is a standing bet among the kids that the one who can get a yes or no answer gets a dollar…it’s rarely collected.  This year, I’m seeing a lot more direct answers, although a nudge is often required, and he has turned into a regular chatterbox on car trips.  Sometimes it’s silly, he’s a master of puns and plays on words, but he’s initiating conversation and asking questions about things he’s wondering about, and gathering useful information.  On one car trip he asked about the huge machinery that they use to load containers at a facility near the airport, and of course I launched into a diatribe about Memphis being a transportation hub and how those containers are on the trains that pass by our house, then moved onto trucks that bring boxes of groceries to the store where he works, and then the stockers unload them and put them on the shelves, and he actually listened fairly attentively without too much eye rolling.

The biggest break through this year, though, was our trading in his old flip phone for an i-phone…something that I expected to be met with great resistance.  He and his driver had done some shopping though and by the time he and his dad actually went to complete the transaction, he was really excited about it.  His niece and nephews have been helpful in helping him learn about apps and use the camera functions and I’ve struggled through getting itunes music on it for him. Soon he discovered texting and was running up the bill on our family plan just like any young person would.  I was astounded that he would actually take time to type on that teeny tiny keyboard, but I’m realizing that he has been spending a lot of time alone, and that he was ready to reach out to people he loves and trusts, just on his own terms.  We’ve had to lay down some rules to keep him from driving people crazy, especially his favorite frienemy, Brother-in-Law John, but he’s a rule-follower, and he’s to be trusted once he understands what the rules are.

Then came Facebook, and much to my amazement, he was soon posting photos of his favorite things (snowglobes and his award for running the 5K) and shouting out to the world about being the “best Believer”, whatever that means in his world.  He loves when people “friend” him, and has asked some folks to be friends, although it really confused him that relatives could also be “friends” on Facebook.  It’s a learning curve, but he’s catching up to it.

When we talked about his birthday, and the fact that the next one would be a big one…FORTY…he basically freaked out, pretty much like most of us did once upon a time.  “Oh no, I’m not ever turning forty…Oh no…”  And that was the end of the discussion.  So here’s to Walker, thirty-nine forever.  It’s a pretty great age to be.

Blessings,
Janie

Theology with Walker

Walker has never been much for asking questions, and when he does, I’m never sure whether my answers are going to be what he’s looking for.  I never thought that at age thirty eight, he and I would be discussing theology.

 Last night after we got home from the lake he was finishing up a slice of pizza and playing with the pictures on his iPhone, when he showed me a picture his favorite brother in law John had sent him of the Dossal hanging of Jesus from our former church.  The hanging shows a stylized Jesus with open bleeding hands and feet, and it always really kind of creeped me out, but Walker seemed to be delighted with it.

“When did I first become a believer?” he asked.

“Well, you’ve been going to Young Life for a couple of years now, I guess,” dating my response to the first time he started talking about being the “World’s Greatest Believer”. 

“No, I mean before that.”

“Well, I suppose you’ve always been a Believer, since you were baptized when you were a little baby and we promised to teach you about Jesus being raised from the dead to save us from our sins.  We promise that every time we baptize someone.” 

Dead silence for a bit.

“Is our church American?”

“Well, it’s in America, so I guess so.”

“No, I mean…Oh forget it.”

“Our church is a Christian Church, because we believe that Jesus was resurrected.  There are a lot of churches that believe that all over the world, and ours is in America.”

“How did it get here?”

“Well, after Jesus died his disciples told the Good News of his resurrection to more and more people around where they lived, and as more and more people knew about him, some of them eventually came to America.  Some of them are Episcopalians like us, some are Presbyterians like the ones where the boys go to school, and others are Catholic like where you went to school….”

“What are the ones at Hutchison?” (The school where the girls attended.)

“It’s not part of a church…it’s just a school.”

I can’t imagine how impossibly difficult the world must seem to Walker as his eyes are gradually opening beyond his family and friends.  I’m not sure he gets the picture I tried to paint for him, and I may have to answer more questions from time to time, but I’m truly fascinated to see his faith developing and his curiosity expanding beyond the boundaries of family and friends.  His questions lead me along paths I never expected to wander.

Blessings,
Janie

 

You Might Mess it Up

I’ve gotten used to seeing my daughters’ competence levels surpass mine as they grow and mature and I age and frankly just don’t give a damn a good deal of the time, but this morning Walker kind of brought me up short.  I was getting ready for a family dinner tonight, and really needed to get the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, which he had not quite finished unloading when his breakfast dinged that it was ready.  While he served his plate, I asked if he’d be sure to get the rest of the dishes after he ate, or…”I guess I could do them for you, “ I offered.

“Well, I guess you could…but you might mess them up.”

Apparently my dish placement isn’t up to his standards.  As he ate and I unloaded, he watched me intently, and as I was about to close the dishwasher and turn to the handwashing, he yelped, “Mom…you forgot a glass.”

I glanced down, didn’t see it, and once again tried to close the dishwasher.  “MOM!...there on the rack!”

Sure enough, I was about to leave a small , clean juice glass on the dishwasher rack.

“Just be more careful next time.” 

Between us, the dishes got put away and all is quiet and calm once more. 

Blessings,

Janie

I'm Not Here!

By popular demand, I'm going to resume some vignettes of Life with Walker...or Walker Stories as I've called them through the years.

  Day to day, life with Walker is pretty routine now.  He behaves like an older adolescent, mostly cooperative, diligent about his chores almost to obsession...we must not stay out too late on Sunday nights because he has to get home to get the garbage out.  He's  increasingly more interactive with the family without too many outbursts or frustrations. He knows I'm compulsively on time, and after getting left behind for not being ready a time or two, he's always on time too.  He prefers fixing his own breakfast on weekdays, but occasionally requests for me to cook an egg if I'm not busy. (Our attempts to teach him to use the stove top haven't been totally successful, although he's good with the oven or microwave.)  He prefers breakfast  treats on the weekends and dinner that doesn't include leftovers two nights in a row.

Walker's  independence  is both a blessing and a curse.  He sometimes tries to solve problems beyond his abilities and is often  reluctant to ask directly for help when he really needs it.  We're working on that.  For a number of years now we have felt comfortable leaving him home for periods of time now extending up to six or seven days at a time.  This requires a good bit of planning.  He has a paid Personal Attendant (your tax dollars at work) who takes him to and from work and on outings on weekends which usually involve shopping, movies, bowling, or Young Life or other Special Needs activities.  As long as the attendant is a reliable sort things work smoothly...but there's always the worry that he'll oversleep or even forget...and the guy we have right now is  actually not as reliable as Walker.  Walker's sisters are generally on call to pick up the slack. I leave microwavable meals for him, and he can pick up food at the grocery where he works or on the way home if he gets sick of what I've left...It mostly works fine.

My biggest concern for his safety is a major emergency....ice or wind storms, a fire, or, heaven forbid, a home invasion.  We have gone over plans, but I honestly don't know how confident I am that he would follow through with them in a real emergency.  In my nightmares I see him confronting an intruder with a toy gun and getting shot.  That's the reality of life in the city with a developmentally delayed adult.  As long as everything goes smoothly, he's totally okay...but do things ever always go smoothly?

Last week while we were in California, the weather turned frigid...like single digit frigid.  My son-in-law John was drafted to help out with the hunting dogs in the kennel to make sure the heaters were working and make sure Walker braved the drizzle for the nighttime feeding.  One morning John stopped by and thought he'd give the dogs some extra rations because of the extreme cold, and in the process set off the burglar alarm.  John went to the foot of the stairs and called up to Walker while the siren was blasting.

"Walker!"

"I'm  not here."

"Walker!"  

"I'm not here!"

"Walker, What's the Alarm code?"

Walker appears on the balcony in his boxers, "I told you, I'M NOT HERE!

"Walker, I can see you..."

 Pause..........resignation....

"Okay..."and he gave John the code, but not in time to ward off the alarm company sending the police, so John waited around and talked his way out of getting hauled off as an intruder...but that's how it goes with Walker sometimes.

I'm sure some of you wonder why in the world I don't just let the state pay for a sitter to be with him when we travel, and believe me, I have considered it.  But truthfully, Walker doesn't want anyone else here, and I'm confident  that the odds of him being safe are good enough that I don't think it's worth the hassle of having someone else in the house.I'm truly grateful that he's as independent as he can possibly be, and he has folks who love and watch over him.   I hope and pray I'm right.

Blessings,
Janie

Random Christmas Thoughts from Me to You

Ahhh...Christmas Eve and I actually have a few minutes to myself.  The last of the packages are wrapped and actually have matching ribbon and tags for the most part, the rolls are rising, the Walkers are making a last minute grocery run, and the house is quiet for a bit. We've enjoyed the company of good friends, and await the conclusion with our family tonight and a quiet day tomorrow...All is Calm,...All is Bright.

As some of you know, this year we are awaiting a baby.  Sarah will bring what will probably be the final grandchild into our family soon, and we're all awaiting his or her arrival with great anticipation.  Somehow the miracle of birth is always awe inspiring no matter how many you've experienced or how over populated the world might be. Each new life brings with it a promise and hope.

Walker III  has already received some nice cards and gifts, some monetary, others food remembrances from his customers and relatives.  His joy in opening a card from an unexpected source showed me how little it takes to please him.  Our gifts to him this year aren't large, and they actually involve clothing.  He has become active in a Young Life group geared toward adults with disabilities and it's his favorite thing in the world right now...he is a BELIEVER!  I'm not sure he nor I understand exactly what that means, but that's okay...he's convinced it's so.  He's getting a new Young Life logo jacket and stocking cap, which I suspect might get some wear this year, and an upgrade to his old flip phone, which he has reluctantly agreed to.  He and his dad are out selecting it as I write.

Molly and Katie and their families are doing what young families do...attending sporting events and performances...and two of these were really significant to me this year.  Molly and Robert went to Groton to see Robert and attend Lessons and Carols last week while I kept their little boys, and Molly send me a text on Sunday morning that the service would be streamed live.  After going to our church, then The Nutcracker, I was a little less than enthusiastic about watching the tiny screen and kind of jerky picture, but after a little tinkering, we got pretty good reception.  Robert was head acolyte, and at the recession, he proceeded carrying the cross straight into my screen...it was fabulous!   The other involved three of the middle boys and their school's annual Christmas program...this year they did the usual Christmas songs by grade, but the finale was 400 plus first through sixth grade boys  in choir robes and red bows singing the Halleluiah Chorus...You just can't imagine!

So...I'm going to go finish up the table, get my hair done, and get ready for the onslaught of my family...the chaos and fun will begin.  Merry Christmas to each of you wherever you may be, and may you have nothing but blessings in the New Year.

Janie

The Comfort Zone

As some of my regular readers may recall, I spent some time a year or two ago challenging myself to attack things outside my comfort zone, and for the most part, I found that I felt a great sense of accomplishment after doing so. I found that some things were actually fun after I passed the fear threshold (making the video for my class reunion) and others were still a bit too scary for me (riding the Seadoo alone). I discovered that I could push myself a bit at the gym or in Pilates, but some injuries resulted, and I’m reconciled to never being a hard body.(As if I have ever been since ninth grade!)

I struggle on a daily basis with Walker III who NEVER wants anything to change to such an extent that for years he never wanted to watch a movie or TV show he had never seen before. This summer we dragged him, not exactly kicking and screaming, but reluctant, to see The Way, Way Back with us and had a great afternoon and evening out. He found enough familiar about it that he relaxed and enjoyed it after a few minutes and even opened up and talked about it during dinner. Just getting up the courage to try is always the hard part for all of us.

As we age it’s really easy to settle into our favorite chair with our favorite comfy clothes and watch channels on television that we agree with and read books and newspapers that reflect what we already believe. That, my friends, is a recipe for sinking quickly into the quicksand of being really, really old. Instead of watching re-runs of favorite shows, why not tune in something totally new and different for at least thirty minutes a day. Yes, you may be shocked at the language, but you also may also get a belly laugh or two. (Try The Big Bang Theory for a start or Two Broke Girls or Modern Family.) Read an article from the New York Times or The Washington Post or listen to the news from PBS instead of the network you usually do.
Go to shopping center or a park or a museum or art gallery in a neighborhood you never visit, and just browse. Get someone to show you how to use a new machine at the gym, or just get on the big swings at the park and play like a kid again.

I’m about to spend a week at the beach with my daughters who are all enthusiastic about a Paleo (caveman) diet. It doesn’t particularly appeal to me, and I’ve been almost as balky as Walker about getting with the program, but it won’t hurt me to taste some new and different things…some of them I’ve tried have been good, others not so much. (Spoiler alert….I will probably stash some treats for the kids and me!)

It’s helpful if you have friends who explore new frontiers, or children that drag you kicking and screaming into them, but anyone can make a conscious decision to try something new at least once a month. All those things make those little synapses in your brain fire in a more excited fashion and form new and different connections and that keeps them ALIVE!!!! That’s the point.

Blessings,

Janie

TMI or Not

I recently had a purposefully muted discussion with some folks about the use of Facebook specifically, or more generally the internet for sharing information. The discussion made me pause to think why I find Facebook so enjoyable and who the other folks are who either love it or hate it.

I’ve never had a problem with others knowing my “business”…meaning what’s going on in my life, good and bad. I grew up in a culture where people didn’t discuss divorce or illness (especially the big C) or their family’s accomplishments or challenges. I think my mother hid the fact that Walker had Down Syndrome from her own mother…my GRANDMOTHER…as if it were something shameful. There were women’s gatherings back then where ladies would sit and sew or play bridge or work on church activities and exchange news, views, and helpful information, and somehow the grapevine worked perfectly well for their purposes.

After high school, I immersed myself in a new life, making new friends and regrettably, letting some old friendships escape me. There was always a core of close friends and relatives that I kept in a well worn address book, carefully…or sometimes not so carefully…recording each change of address or phone number. We exchanged Christmas cards and baby announcements and occasional letters and phone calls, but we were scattered. I’m a lot better organized now with an Excel sheet of those same friends. I'm more likely to send a get well card or take a meal to a friend who is ill if I find out about it and timely notice means that I've been able to attend a few funerals that I might not otherwise have been able to follow up on.

When I began to piddle with Facebook a little bit, it was partially in quest to locate some people I truly cared about once upon a time and determine how they were doing (actually whether they were still alive) and perhaps reunite with them. I had mixed luck with this venture. The people I was most interested in did eventually turn up in a search, and I have had delightful on line relationship with a few old friends, along with a cold dismissal by a few. That’s life and I'm totally at peace about it. I've offered prayers during cancer treatments and recuperations from surgery for people I haven't seen in over fifty years...because I care.

One of the arguments my discussion revealed was that the people I was talking with already had enough people in their lives and that if they hadn’t kept up with someone for a number of years…so what. I suspect that their attitudes might change with age and maturity. My empty nest means I have more time to be interested in a vast number of people. I am interested in hearing chit chat from friends and acquaintances. Instead of my old friend Katie reminding me of when it’s time to plant my daffodils or trim my shrubs or buy wrapping paper half price, there’s probably going to be someone on Facebook who mentions things like that and nudges me into action. There are people in all parts of the country who recommend books and movies that I might never have discovered. I see posts for people looking for a local handyman or wondering who else remembers business long gone, triggering happy memories along with a bittersweet nostalgia.

I love seeing that Ken has taken up art again and seeing his increasingly impressive work. I love knowing who is having a new grandchild, or who might need a prayer for someone they care about or themselves. I love seeing Jan’s trip to Europe or my daughters vacations in real time. I love getting a recipe from someone far away, along with a picture, tempting me cook something prettier or healthier. I especially love watching the babies grow into children…even those I may never meet. Heck, it’s fun and it’s FREE!

I will try to withhold judgment on the FB bashers if they will in turn just leave me be to check in on my friends from afar now and then and not label me a snoop for doing so.

Blessings,
Janie

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